I constantly feel like I’m a burden on others. Constantly.
And I feel incredibly stupid right now.
Stupid and worthless.
I don’t know why. It’s just such a typical occurrence that there rarely needs to be a reason for me to feel it anymore.
I guess it’s because I always ask Andrew for tech help at night, and when I try to make regular conversation after he helps me, he just tells me he’s going to bed. And it makes me feel like I bothered him.
And I guess it’s also because Corey and I made plans to hang out a while ago and then he avoided me that day and I feel like it’s because I’m annoying or not worth his time.
And so many people text me only when they’re horny and I feel like I’m just too stupid to be worth anything else to them and I’m so tired of being the toy. I’m so tired of it. I want someone to care about me but I feel like i’m not worth being cared about right now.
And I know this is probably all in my head and i’m over-analyzing it because that’s all I ever fucking do.. And I know what I’m feeling about myself right now may not be true. Maybe i’m not stupid and worthless. But there is something in my mind blocking me from recognizing my abilities and my worth right now. And it’s frustrating me because every time I feel like I’m doing well, something else always comes along and kicks me off the tracks.
I’m stuck in this cycle of break and repair, and I just want to move on. I want to take a giant leap out of this fucking cycle. But I don’t think that’s an option.
Shit why does my mind always go this route when I’m trying to fall asleep?
F is for vodka
U is for vodka
N is for vodka.